How to Piss Off Opponents in RTS
August 16, 2007, by Erlog Over the past few weeks I’ve gotten back into online gaming after taking a long time off. I would say that I haven’t really played an online game seriously since Worms: Armageddon or Everquest. I prefer the single player experience, mostly, because it allows me to have fun without needing to be online at certain times or dependent on other people for that fun. I don’t want to get sucked into the whole thing and feel like I need to keep playing despite no longer having fun, but just wanting to keep in touch with friends. So, as it stands now, I’m playing very lightly.
Since I have gotten back into online gaming there are a few things I’ve noticed. I find that most people I play against are very serious about what it is that they are doing. They exceed the boundaries of simple trash-talking with just horribly mean and abusive stuff. Now, my feelings aren’t hurt, but I find it a little odd that a person playing a game can be so unhappy. Aren’t games supposed to make us feel good? What the hell is wrong with these people?
These people are the reason I’m writing this guide. They take their gaming far too seriously, and deserve a reality check. Here is how you go about doing that:
Feign n00bery
Nothing pisses off a serious gamer more than the feeling that their time is being wasted, and nothing does that like convincing them you’re worthless in terms of offering up a challenge as an opponent. They are forced to sit there and play out the game knowing they’re wasting time because they don’t want to give you the satisfaction of winning by default.
Crying novice is pretty easy, and is done by asking questions in the chat like “I can’t just drag resources into my base?,” or “I can’t find you, can you tell me where you are?” It doesn’t matter how good you actually are at the game. You just ask the most inane, stupid, and obvious questions in the chat. They should become angry and abusive in no time. I think my favorite is, “Why are you attacking me!? I did nothing to you…”
Don’t Care for Winning
Another thing serious-business gamers care about is winning. They take losing pretty hard, and see it as some sort of personal crusade to win a computer game against people they don’t know that reside thousands of miles away. Similarly to feigning n00b, you just convince them you are there for a leisurely no-pressure game. Tell them your favorite part of Warcraft 3 is leveling up your hero, and so you’re probably going to be spending most of your time doing that because you find the base-building to be a pretty haphazard add-on the obviously Diablo-inspired formula.
This should drive them sufficiently over the edge, and can be done with any piece of the game experience. Pick an aspect you like doing, and then convince your opponent that it is really all you’re interested in. They’ll become abusive in no time from the frustrating wasted effort of playing an opponent that really doesn’t care. All of their agonizing, strategizing, practicing, and playing is going to waste on some muppet that just doesn’t understand the importance of every single 1v1 match over Battle.net.
Profess Love
One of the odder things that will piss off hardcore opponents is meeting their abuses with kind and soothing words of love. It doesn’t matter what sex you are or what sex your opponent is, but I will tell you that the reactions inspired by homophobia are especially entertaining. Ask them, “Why are you attacking me? I love you…” and “I really like strong overweight men who play Orc, do you think we can chat out of game?” They’ll be confusedly spamming “DIE! MOTHER-FUCKER DIE!” in chat in no time.
Profess the Word of God
Similar to professing love for opponents is a staunch devotion to religion, and if there is anything the right wing has taught us it is that you don’t actually need to know the bible to be able to quote it. You simply pick the tiny portions you know, and then use them against your opponent in chat. Even lines as simple as, “I do not even need to gather resources, for I know the one true God has assured my victory,” will do in a pinch.
I especially like condemning as witchcraft the races that summon buildings, and this can be done whether or not you are playing one of these races. If you are, just twist everything so that your race is the one true summoning race while all others are blasphemy. It’s a good time.
Make Little Sense
The through-line in all of these strategies is to make very little sense, and attempt to get your opponent to leave by frustrating them. It really is an art, and it takes practice. However, the important thing is that you have fun with it because that’s ultimately what games are for. You’re not supposed to be a serious-business idiot in some online game because you can’t stand losing or wasting a little bit of your ever-so-precious time. That’s ridiculous, and this article here provides the appropriate ridicule.
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